Musings

Inner Villain…

Christmas Day I woke up refreshed and inspired to write about NajRolf.

Interesting, I know….

….but also not particularly; December hosted a bunch of Collective and Personal Narrative loops that I was aware to a greater depth now. Going consciously into known narratives is essentially how I experience life now.

We can basically label “NajRolf” as a few things in my Story:

  1. He was the archetype of the main Villain in the Story Series.
  2. He had a history or being betrayed and banished from the Enchanted Forest Realm for actions that brought harm to nature.
  3. He was the subconscious Darkness of my own masculinity. I wouldn’t even call him an anima or animus – he was the dark side of SELF!
  4. PHANTOM MAGICIAN was really what he was in my own Story, as I was blind to him inside myself.

NajRolf was the BLIND side of Nature Girl in my story….

…. fighting him was EPIC! lol

It wasn’t enough that I had got myself all tangled up, mangled up, sauce in not only the collective “Twin Flame Archetype” narrative but also that of many others connected to live, in person projections of essential SELF and my own damn desires, fears and self loathing.

Perfect.

****** Cue EPIC BOSS BATTLE MUSIC ….. you’ve been fighting YOU! **********

Anyway, there’s just so many areas one could judge themselves but as I sit here now, I’m more proud and feeling whole in a place of self acceptance and love than anything else. It wasn’t like I was some special case, nope, this was shit that we all had to discover for ourselves, along our own paths, in our own time.

NajRolf got the best of me for a couple of reasons:

  1. You can’t kill the Siren in me. I drank sooooooooooo much of that kool-aide that it was easier for me to dive DEEP into that archetype and stitch rip myself a new narrative, than to try to fight it or stay trapped in the loop.
  2. I LOVE ME A MASTER MAGICIAN WHO IS IN “CONTROL” …. I hadn’t faced the part of me that wanted to be controlled.

BOOM.

One would think those truths would’ve been obvious, since Raven played those exact two wounds out right in front of our very eyes in the known storyline. However, he’s the kicker…. I was more concerned with dissecting the romantic attachment between the characters than I was anything else. From my perspective I wasn’t stuck in the Siren or the Mistress; I had truthfully “Mastered” being inside them without them impacting my energy and then I had found I could transmute energies to higher frequencies, which not only healed myself, the environment and the viewer…but also the collective. I am not an exception; every single person is capable of this by expressing their joyous heart light. Anyway, I never looked to NajRolf as a fragment of my own self as a result of pure ignorance and pride.

Leading Lady takes a hit! lol

Anyway, I’m not really here to unpack all my self discoveries but it was painful to become so aware of your own divine channel, your actions, your wounds and your “why” …..there was just no hiding anymore. Fuck! THIS, this was the actual battlefield: The Self.

I felt like Bruce Lee surrounded by mirrors chanting “Flow like Water!”

When The Story Series blew up inside my chakral system…. let’s just say it was nothing short of complete MADNESS. I couldn’t “heal” fast enough…. I wanted OUT!

I felt like Dory swimming in the dark towards the light and then the Anchor Fish appears and you’re just like “Good feeling’s gone”. It was tough to face. I had dug a romantic, fantasy trap for myself…..leading me to all my core wounds and truth of self.

I’m honoured.

Truly. I am honoured to have fully embodied and acted out my full truth of experience. I can’t imagine what that would’ve looked like locked away in a hospital bed. I’m grateful for every single soul in my story ….EVERY single one, that vibed in during this experience. I couldn’t even function in the muggle realm and I finally feel like I can now. That’s only because I was divinely supported and I truly saw that. Everyone that experienced that with me was a part of my current state. For that I am grateful.

An interesting side observation of my own subconscious was how BADLY I wanted to keep playing out this storyline narrative. As Beauty and The Beast is also an archetypal narrative that would fall under the Phantom of the Opera’s storyline. Apparently my feminine just wanted to be with the misunderstood, masked man; both dark and light. Apparently I really wanted to be that bad girl with some dark man feeding off me. Apparently I had some kind of stockholme syndrome fantasy going on.

Anyway, believe it or not, even after having to consciously embody all my wounding in order to ACT it out of me. Not to mention all the rest I went through with this mind explosion…. I still LOVE me the Phantom lol …. shamefully 😉

This is where I tend to tackle things differently than the average bear… us Care Bears need to defeat the Inner No Heart or we could never shine the way we do in the shadows. If one wants to be a true Warrior of Nature you must walk your own path of heart. The fact of the matter is this; whether it was programmed into you or it’s your deepest calling, its sometimes better to go with the flow and accept yourself, than try to run away from it. I enjoy leveraging the shadow ego aspects of myself that are easy to “manage” than to attempt to transmute them. So if I know I want that Phantom Narrative and the Magician is sexy AF in my conditioning, I need to become the heart led aspects of those things inside myself… and not only that, but I need to get REALLY fucking aware when “he” or “this shadow aspect” of myself starts showing up in a negative way. The only way I personally know how to integrate this is but playing it out, acting it out and imagining it out….

….this currently looks like my storyline dance narratives; where I show a different story to a known narrative. It looks like studying Druidism and getting back into witchcraft and ceremony. It looks like MUSICALS! because lets be honest – no one wants to be controlled or control another; it’s not natural. Especially not in unconditional love, which is where Nature’s Magick takes you….

…. the things I loved about the Phantom was his ability to command a crowd with his mere presence, his hauntingly sexy singing style (sung by a great many divine masculine) and his mysterious & dangerous allure…. I always felt like I had to be good and I never was, I rebelled often in my life, even against myself. So the idea of a bad guy enjoying me secretly turned me on. Add in a vampire/dracula dose too where our mere energies are co-dependant and feeding off each other too! Fuck, why not!

Just kidding, but THAT’s exactly why I do what I do. I’m not entirely sure if what I do would help others, as I have found that perhaps the only reason I have to dive into my shadow so often is because I’m still writing my Story.

If I choose that, then I am forced to continuously face myself, as that is truly the only enemy. Facing NajRolf inside me was HUMBLING AF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so broken. I felt like my entire human vessel had exploded and I received a crash course in how to be a starseed at 6D conscious dreamer status.

1 thought on “Inner Villain…”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.